Two weeks ago my husband and I heard "the calling" to go to Mwanza Tanzania. Of course my husband heard the call a lot louder than I did. I processed it. Wrestled with it. Was this really God that I hearing or was it just a selfish desire to get out of the country for the first time. On Wednesday, January 15, the clip from the Indiana Jones movie, Last Crusade, played over and over in my mind. What was I not letting go? Why was I doubting the prompting that the Holy Spirit was planting this in me? Why wasn't I allowing myself to be used in a way that is proving to be way beyond my comfort zone. I also felt the prompt - ask your daughter. WOW...that is really beyond my understanding and ability.
The excitement soared for the opportunity for my daughter to see a new land and the lives of children God could use her to change. As well as the growth and change that could occur in her. Very few teens could experience this type of trip the summer before their senior year. I called her that Saturday for her to consider it. I explained to her the deadline to commit, would be that coming Wednesday. I heard nothing for twenty four hours. When I did...my elated heart crumbled. Sunday afternoon she text me explaining that she "didn't think she was ready to be that far away". I pressed her, knowing there just had to more to it. Then the truth..."I don't feel comfortable enough to be that far away from Dad." My heart was grieved. I knew that this trip would be a turning point for her. But I didn't realize that just the process preparing for this trip would be a turning point in my life as well.
As you can imagine I am a fixer, organizer and I enjoy the predictable. To have the "call" to go to Africa, with my husband, God was truly going to stretch me. In my own power, I was beginning to formulate where and how the funds would be made. Creating my spreadsheets, I began an endless array of check lists. God must have smiled to Himself as He saw the "Martha" in me. Slowly, He would prove that He has His way of aligning us. And He used my parents and a wise co-worker to bring me there.
On Tuesday, January 28th I made the phone call to my parents early in the morning on my why into work. Their response was not what I expected. "Do you think this is a good idea," "[my daughter] is wise to decline, she may just be thinking about college", "what about your debts, this is going to be an expensive trip". After I hung up my entire countenance changed. The wind had been ripped from my sails. Questions swirled around, just as my old self use to do, and a grip like a vise squeezed my chest. What have I done? What have I committed to? Surely God isn't calling me to do something this rash and impulsive? I will never be able to raise these kind of funds in six months. Then the email confirmation came of the vaccines. Dollar signs pounded me. Again another punch in the gut! How can I honestly be called if I can't even afford the vaccines.
For two days I wrestled harder with the Holy Spirit and my selfish control. I kept it to myself but finally, in my frustration, text my husband. He's response "we'll talk this evening". In further frustration I bent the ear of a co-worker who was also heading out into "the field" later in the Fall. She asked me direct questions to quickly get to the root of the matter. She told me that I was trapped right back in my past, listening to the voices of doubt, belittling, and fear. Later that night, my husband, unknowing the contents of the conversation earlier in the day, said the exact same thing. I had to shed those thoughts and negative beliefs to truly allow God to work. I had to leap. I was standing on the ledge, looking at the chasm beneath me. By my human eyes, it looked just like all the rest I had seen in my past. "You can't do this"..."it's too big for you"...."God doesn't work like that"..."you're not ready". Those same words - the same chasm - that had defeated me in my own strength. This time was different. When I allowed myself to align with God and His perspective, He will make the way. I only have to be obedient....and leap.
